I'm Aimee..I'm agoraphobic. For anyone who does not know what that is, be thankful! Agoraphobia is a condition caused by anxiety disorder that makes a person incapable of doing things that they do not feel safe doing. Some agors (people with agoraphobia) can drive a certain distance and some agors can even stay at home alone and some even live all alone. For me, I can not stay at home alone, can not drive alone, and can not go into certain stores, travel on certain roads, or even stay in the car by myself. I have a few family members who I feel safe with. These people are referred to as my "safe persons".
This stuff didn't jump on me overnight. I was a pretty normal kid I guess. I grew up without my biological father..he's a jerk, let's just keep it at that. I did, however have a father figure. Mom and I lived with my grandparents until mom married my awesome step dad. I call him dad...he is great and so was my grandpa. I never wanted for anything. I had cousins that I played with, but I was mostly a loner until a little girl a couple of years younger than me moved right beside us. I then met a few more friends in school. I would spend the night with them and vice versa. I had my first anxiety attack when I was about 13, but I can remember being anxious as a kid about things such as school, homework, etc.
My teenage years were fairly normal I suppose. I got my drivers license in the summer of 96. I was so excited, and even more excited when my grandpa handed me the keys to his Toyota Camry and told me it was now mine! That man was amazing in so many ways. I drove that Toyota everywhere! I got my first job that summer also. It was at a little ice cream/burger stand. I loved it but didn't love the owner so I quit about 2 months into that job. She was a witch..sounds better than the alternative. Ha. Anyway, lets fast forward to February of 97. The night of my 17th birthday (Feb. 15th), I went on my first date with a guy I had been talking to. He asked me to be his girlfriend and from that moment on we were inseparable.
My senior year of high school was when it all pretty well started. About 2 weeks into school I started to have panic attacks in class. The last straw for me was when I was in art class and upon telling my teacher that I had to go to the bathroom (I was starting to feel the anxiety coming on), she refused to give me a hall pass..so I walked out of class, went to the office and told them that I quit and I left and came to my grandparents house. Sure, they were upset, as was my mom and step-dad..but I refused to go back. I started seeing a Dr. to the best of my memory..I think I was put on some type of anti anxiety pill that I was too scared to take, but I carried them everywhere with me "just in case".
I'll move forward a little bit. 18 years old and mom told me I had to get a job..I had to get over this crap..so I did. I got a job as a waitress at this famous little diner in a nearby town. I absolutely LOVED it. I loved my boss and the people I worked with. This was May of 98 when I started. I worked hard and made good money. My boyfriend and I were doing well and we saw each other every chance we got. On Halloween of that year, I was driving to my boyfriends house. He only lived about 5 miles away, but to get to his house you had to travel on a pretty lonely highway. Tons of cars travel the highway, but there are no houses along the way. Suddenly part of the way there out of nowhere here comes this massive anxiety attack. I felt like I was dying. I pulled over under the interstate overpass and got out of my car freaking out and crying, just wanting to run but scared to even move. For what seemed like an eternity I was begging people to pull over and help me, when finally a girl that I knew along with her boyfriend pulled over to see what was going on. I had her drive me and my car to my boyfriends house while her boyfriend followed us.
I am forever grateful to her..I really don't know what I would of done if her and him had not stopped. After that..I stopped driving. My boyfriend kept my car and would drive me to work every day. I was so ashamed that I did not allow my boss or any of my co-workers to know what was wrong with me. One of the girls I worked with always asked me why I didn't drive anymore, and I told her because my tires were not that great and I couldn't afford any at the time. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend at 19..we married at 20. I still had the panic attacks, but not anything I couldn't handle. I eventually started driving again as long as he was with me, and then I decided to try it alone. He followed me to work that day. I did fine..I drove up until my second biggest panic attack on the way home from work one night..on the same desolate road. No cell phones then of course. That was in 2001. From that point on I quit driving completely unless my husband was with me.
This stuff progressively got worse. I ended up having to quit work due to the anxiety and my inability to be around people. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and then agoraphobia once I got to a point where I did not want to leave my house or be alone at all. I was awarded disability in 2008. 28 years old and on disability..boy that was an ego boost. I thank God that I was blessed with it, but at the same time I was angry that I would have to rely on this as an income. I am still on it and thankfully so. This doesn't mean that I am not thankful, but I want to work. I want to get better and I am striving but am at a standstill right now due to my inability to drive. My husband works and brings me to my grandmothers house everyday so I will be with someone. I feel like a burden, even though I'm assured that I am not one. It is depressing, but I am thankful to be alive and am thankful I have my husband and my family to help me. One day though, I am going to get better..I have to keep believing that.
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