Is medication really enough?

 I'm on Celexa and Xanax. Is it really enough? Well, even though it can help some, no I do not believe it is enough. What other choice do I have though? My husband works nearly 50 hours a week and I do not (can not) drive myself to appointments so I am pretty much "stuck". I do have an appointment with a GP today at 5:00 (or maybe 5:30, I have to check) that I just started seeing about 3 months ago. She is really nice and sincere. She is going to set me up with an appointment in a town about 30 minutes away with a Psychiatrist. I have been to Psychiatrists, and I have not been able to give them a chance due to me having to cancel most of the appointments because of no way there. I won't be able to get in to the Psychiatrist until about February though. Man, must be a lot of folks with mental illnessess. In all seriousness though, I just want to be normal. I beg God to allow me to become normal. Prior to agoraphobia I worked, I was a somewhat normal girlfriend (we moved in together before we married), and I had fun. I had friends, we went out, went to watch movies, and just enjoyed every minute of life. Don't get me wrong..I still enjoy and love life but I have tons of boundaries and limitations that the anxiety/agor has created. Or have I created them? Many questions linger in my mind daily. The biggest one is what in the hell happened to me? I had an excellent childhood. Sure, my biological father was never there, BUT I had my loving grandparents and my mother and then was blessed with a step-father when I was 11. He is great and he is who I call my daddy. I never had any trauma as a child really. Well, I had a double decker stove/oven fall on top of me when I was about 8 (maybe younger..I don't have the best memory), and I had to endure a horrendous storm when I was 13 at home all alone but other than that, I can't recall any traumatic events. So WHAT THE HELL happened? Sorry for yelling, but I have to sometimes. I dunno. One day at a time I guess. That's my thoughts for this morning. I have had an extremely anxious morning. Every morning my husband and I get up at 5:30. He brings me to my parents house and they live right beside my grandmother on her land. When I get here mom is getting ready for work, my step dad is already at work, and normally my 16 year old brother is still in bed until I get him up at 7. He gets his shower, watches his country music videos while I sit on their computer, and then he leaves around 7:45 or so to get to school by 8. Then it's just me and moms dog Alex, who by the way is a super cute, super funny little mini dachsund. Well anyway, this morning has been tremendously anxious for me. Of course my grandma is in bed still, but I sit here until she gets up and then I go sit with her. But this morning I have felt on edge, like dreadful. Maybe it's because my brother is in Indiana right now with his FFA group. You know, agors/anxious people don't adjust well to changes, so maybe that's what it is? I have no idea. But whatever..I just have to roll with the punches or duck and hide..I usually duck and hide. So, these are my thoughts for this morning..all jumbled and stuff, I do know that. Sorry, but my brain just seems to be in overdrive.

Thank you dear Lord

My mother-in-law moved away about 6 months ago. She had been living with my husband and I for nearly 2 years. Some things that I would rather not mention happened, and she moved to Arkansas with her brother and his family. She was ill when she left and got the medical care she needed in Arkansas thank God. Divine intervention is what it was..she was really sick. She was on oxygen 24/7 and had very high blood sugar, atrial fib., congestive heart failure, etc. Well, she received a pace maker, has lost a lot of weight, is off of oxygen completely, has her blood sugar in check, is taking better care of herself, and is doing much better. Anyway, she wanted to come back home, and there was no way that mine and my husbands Jeep would make it to go get her, so she took a train. We had to go pick her up from the train station Monday night which is about 45 minutes away. I had nearly 2 days of A.A. (anticipation anxiety). I was scared beyond belief because traveling anywhere is very hard for someone who suffers from anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia. My safe places are my home, my parents home, and my grandmothers home. Traveling sucks, but especially at night for me for some reason. Anyway, we had to go get her, so I prayed, cried and pouted. Well, I am thankful to God to say that I did it with absolutely NO anxiety!! Woooo hooo. So thankful. I just distracted myself with my cell phone and good music. That was an excellent exposure and I hope to get more of this type of exposure soon. One of these days I hope to be able to drive again..then go from there. I go back to the Dr. next Tuesday, so she can hopefully set me up with a good counselor and psychiatrist. I am beyond ready to be well.

Welcome to my world..

I'm Aimee..I'm agoraphobic. For anyone who does not know what that is, be thankful! Agoraphobia is a condition caused by anxiety disorder that makes a person incapable of doing things that they do not feel safe doing. Some agors (people with agoraphobia) can drive a certain distance and some agors can even stay at home alone and some even live all alone. For me, I can not stay at home alone, can not drive alone, and can not go into certain stores, travel on certain roads, or even stay in the car by myself. I have a few family members who I feel safe with. These people are referred to as my "safe persons".

This stuff didn't jump on me overnight. I was a pretty normal kid I guess. I grew up without my biological father..he's a jerk, let's just keep it at that. I did, however have a father figure. Mom and I lived with my grandparents until mom married my awesome step dad. I call him dad...he is great and so was my grandpa. I never wanted for anything. I had cousins that I played with, but I was mostly a loner until a little girl a couple of years younger than me moved right beside us. I then met a few more friends in school. I would spend the night with them and vice versa. I had my first anxiety attack when I was about 13, but I can remember being anxious as a kid about things such as school, homework, etc.

My teenage years were fairly normal I suppose. I got my drivers license in the summer of 96. I was so excited, and even more excited when my grandpa handed me the keys to his Toyota Camry and told me it was now mine! That man was amazing in so many ways. I drove that Toyota everywhere! I got my first job that summer also. It was at a little ice cream/burger stand. I loved it but didn't love the owner so I quit about 2 months into that job. She was a witch..sounds better than the alternative. Ha. Anyway, lets fast forward to February of 97. The night of my 17th birthday (Feb. 15th), I went on my first date with a guy I had been talking to. He asked me to be his girlfriend and from that moment on we were inseparable.

My senior year of high school was when it all pretty well started. About 2 weeks into school I started to have panic attacks in class. The last straw for me was when I was in art class and upon telling my teacher that I had to go to the bathroom (I was starting to feel the anxiety coming on), she refused to give me a hall pass..so I walked out of class, went to the office and told them that I quit and I left and came to my grandparents house. Sure, they were upset, as was my mom and step-dad..but I refused to go back. I started seeing a Dr. to the best of my memory..I think I was put on some type of anti anxiety pill that I was too scared to take, but I carried them everywhere with me "just in case".

I'll move forward a little bit. 18 years old and mom told me I had to get a job..I had to get over this crap..so I did. I got a job as a waitress at this famous little diner in a nearby town. I absolutely LOVED it. I loved my boss and the people I worked with. This was May of 98 when I started. I worked hard and made good money. My boyfriend and I were doing well and we saw each other every chance we got. On Halloween of that year, I was driving to my boyfriends house. He only lived about 5 miles away, but to get to his house you had to travel on a pretty lonely highway. Tons of cars travel the highway, but there are no houses along the way. Suddenly part of the way there out of nowhere here comes this massive anxiety attack. I felt like I was dying. I pulled over under the interstate overpass and got out of my car freaking out and crying, just wanting to run but scared to even move. For what seemed like an eternity I was begging people to pull over and help me, when finally a girl that I knew along with her boyfriend pulled over to see what was going on. I had her drive me and  my car to my boyfriends house while her boyfriend followed us.

I am forever grateful to her..I really don't know what I would of done if her and him had not stopped. After that..I stopped driving. My boyfriend kept my car and would drive me to work every day. I was so ashamed that I did not allow my boss or any of my co-workers to know what was wrong with me. One of the girls I worked with always asked me why I didn't drive anymore, and I told her because my tires were not that great and I couldn't afford any at the time. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend at 19..we married at 20. I still had the panic attacks, but not anything I couldn't handle. I eventually started driving again as long as he was with me, and then I decided to try it alone. He followed me to work that day. I did fine..I drove up until my second biggest panic attack on the way home from work one night..on the same desolate road. No cell phones then of course. That was in 2001. From that point on I quit driving completely unless my husband was with me.

This stuff progressively got worse. I ended up having to quit work due to the anxiety and my inability to be around people. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and then agoraphobia once I got to a point where I did not want to leave my house or be alone at all. I was awarded disability in 2008. 28 years old and on disability..boy that was an ego boost. I thank God that I was blessed with it, but at the same time I was angry that I would have to rely on this as an income. I am still on it and thankfully so. This doesn't mean that I am not thankful, but I want to work. I want to get better and I am striving but am at a standstill right now due to my inability to drive. My husband works and brings me to my grandmothers house everyday so I will be with someone. I feel like a burden, even though I'm assured that I am not one. It is depressing, but I am thankful to be alive and am thankful I have my husband and my family to help me. One day though, I am going to get better..I have to keep believing that.